


Exotic Species

by 30toseoul



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: Gen, Humor, Puddlejumpers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-07
Updated: 2017-06-07
Packaged: 2018-11-10 00:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11116236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/30toseoul/pseuds/30toseoul
Summary: It wasn't that Rodneyenjoyedhow things regularly jumped up and tried to kill him in the Pegasus Galaxy.





	Exotic Species

It wasn't that Rodney _enjoyed_ how things regularly jumped up and tried to kill him in the Pegasus Galaxy. But since it happened so often, his immediate physical response had become much more competent and manly. Less of the fumbling around in terror, less of the reflexively trying to run away, more of the bravely stepping up to do battle.

He thought his lapse could probably be excused, though. Because when Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard, United States Air Force -- who was cool and collected under pressure, threw his life into peril on a near-daily basis, and probably owned a whole drawerful of wallets that said BAD MOTHERFUCKER -- when _that_ guy shrieked at the top of his lungs and scrambled backward on his heels and ass and elbows, Rodney didn't think anyone could blame him for doing the same thing.

"What! What?!" Rodney yelled, his chest trying to seize up in fear.

"Under the bench! Under the fucking bench!" Sheppard yelled back. 

Rodney's ears were ringing from all the yelling in close quarters. He'd slammed his knee against a console as he instinctively followed Sheppard's retreat into the cockpit, and he was doing his best to ignore the throbbing pain as he crouched on top of the co-pilot's chair. " _Where?_ What is it, what is it?"

Sheppard wasn't screwing around with standing on a chair. He was all the way on top of the control panel, his back jammed against the windshield. "It tried to fucking _bite_ me! Jesus, Rodney, didn't you see it?"

"No, for fuck's sake, I didn't! _What is it?_ " Rodney's heart was trying to slam right out of his chest. He was holding his calibration spanner over his head like some kind of totally useless weapon, but he wasn't ready to lower it until the threat revealed itself.

"It's a huge fucking -- _jesus_ right there right there, rightfuckingthere!"

Rodney craned his neck desperately to follow Sheppard's flailing hand, trying not to get smacked in the head at the same time. He saw a flicker of movement under the bench and felt his stomach lurch, felt his body tighten up because they were going to _die_ , it had to be something worse than anything they'd ever seen, worse than the Wraith, worse than the Replicators--

\--and then he felt his jaw drop as the little grass snake made its way slowly across the floor.

Rodney was frozen for a very long minute as the snake investigated his open toolbag. Then he turned his head. Very, very slowly.

There was a dull flush creeping up from the neck of Sheppard's t-shirt. After an even longer minute, Sheppard said, "It looked bigger than that."

"Did it?" Rodney said. Oh, he was going to enjoy this.

"It did," Sheppard insisted. His face was turning bright red, but he hadn't looked at Rodney or moved to climb off the console.

Rodney got down and walked into the rear compartment, squatting down carefully so he wouldn't frighten the snake. It had curled itself happily into a corner of his toolbag, and it only jerked and flexed a bit as he slid both hands around the small coils. "I don't think it has any teeth, Colonel," he called back to the cockpit.

Sheppard didn't answer.

The little snake writhed against his palms for a few seconds before wrapping around his left wrist and settling down. It had to be thrilled to find his body heat; the poor thing had undoubtedly been stuck in the cold puddlejumper since their mission to M8S-186, when Ronon had shown him a nest while they waited for Sheppard and Teyla to finish making nice with the tribal elders.

"Wow, this is one scary fucking snake," Rodney said, trying not to grin too much as he turned around. "I think it wants to bite me right now. With its nonexistent teeth."

"Rodney," Sheppard said in a warning tone. His eyes were fixed on the snake rather than Rodney's face, and he still didn't look like he was climbing off the control panel any time soon.

"I mean, it's maybe a foot long. So I can understand why it would strike fear into the heart of the most intrepid -- oh, no!" Rodney faked a theatrical stagger and extended his hands, pretending to wrestle the snake with his fingers. "No, it's trying to cut off my circulation! Help, help, I can't do anything, I need the strong military man to save me from--"

"Rodney!" Sheppard had shoved himself even harder against the windshield, his eyes wide and panicked on Rodney's hands as he almost screamed, "Get that motherfucking snake off this motherfucking puddlejumper _right now!_ "

"God, calm down," Rodney muttered, dropping back a few steps. Now he was _really_ trying not to grin, because Sheppard had access to about eight hundred weapons as soon as he wasn't trapped in the corner of a jumper. "I'm only kidding around. I didn't know you had such a snake phobia that you'd scream like a woman."

"It's not a phobia! I just don't like them, now would you get it--"

"--off the motherfucking puddlejumper, yes, I heard you the first time."

He'd opened the rear hatch and was halfway out when Sheppard yelled after him, "And if you tell anyone about this, I'll tell Teyla what you said about screaming like a woman!"

Rodney scowled and rubbed a gentle finger over the snake's head where it was resting against the back of his thumb. "He doesn't have a sense of humor at all," he told it glumly, and carried his new friend off to a comfortable home in the Atlantis greenhouses.

**Author's Note:**

> This story was originally posted in the livejournal community **mckay_sheppard** on 17 August 2006, directly before a certain movie premiere.


End file.
